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Wendy's Story

Age when diagnosed: 41 - 45
Maine, United States of America
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24: An Emotional Time

Mon, Aug 16 2004 by Wendy

August 16, 2004

What an emotional time this is, and it has completely caught me off guard. I started week four of radiation this morning and Kevin came with me because I haven't been feeling well and wanted to meet with the doctor -- I have been absolutely exhausted. I also have Fibromyalgia, which for the most part has been very much under control, but as of the middle of last week, it's been through the roof. For those of you unfamiliar with Fibromyalgia (FM), "it is an increasingly recognized chronic pain illness which is characterized by widespread musculoskeletal aches, pain and stiffness, soft tissue tenderness, general fatigue and sleep disturbances. The most common sites of pain include the neck, back, shoulders, pelvic girdle and hands, but any body part can be involved. Fibromyalgia patients experience a range of symptoms of varying intensities that wax and wane over time (http://fmaware.org/fminfo/brochure.htm)."

When meeting with the doctor, she was able to help me to better understand the emotional aspects of getting cancer and how it can effect us physically as well. As I'm reaching the end of treatments, it's very common to feel sad, anxious and stressed, and it's incredibly important that I allow myself to grieve. I think that because I've had a very positive attitude from the beginning of this journey that it's all building up. Yes, fatigue is a major side effect of radiation, but I'm feeling pretty sick and achy and have headaches all the time. And it's not because I'm sick - it's because of the incredible emotions that go with this process. And it's because those emotions are all stuck inside of me and I need to let them out more.

She asked me if I had an outlet to release some of the stress and I told her about my website. I also told her that I've only written on the site once since I got done chemo on June 15. I just haven't wanted to, honestly. I haven't wanted to think about it, talk about it, or listen to anyone else talk about it. I just want it to be done. I was certain that radiation would be no big deal at all (compared to the chemo), but it is a big deal - it's a huge deal! I go to the "cancer clinic" 5 days a week ... talk about rubbing it in your face! And I've continued to put on this brave "I can deal with anything" face so I can just get through it and be done.

But I'm not done - I never will be done. I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. Not the cancer but the knowledge that I had cancer and the fear that there's no guarantee it will never come back. Am I going to live each day in fear? Absolutely not! But I do have to be honest with myself and know this is a reality in life and if I don't allow myself to mourn, it will continue to build up and cause emotional stress ... even years from now.

So I will write more because it always felt good when I wrote the other chapters. I will allow myself to cry more so that the need to cry becomes less. And I will go back to looking at this journey as a gift, because although it's been a pain in the ass, it's also changed my life tremendously ... a change that was very much needed and is continually embraced.